Learning from your past self

Cleaning up the files on my computer I found the file of an old blog post A Ghost In The House which I wrote ages ago.  As I read it I thought: "Ya, that's really true, I should do that!!"

Sometimes we fall back into our patterns, even when we know a different way to be.  Writing helps us keep a record of what we know to be true.  A journal is a great way to keep track of insights and new awarenesses that may be forgotten.  You could keep a journal either on paper or online.  You could even create a "journal" email address and send emails to yourself at that address. Then you can read them over later.  You can send yourself letters of encouragement or reminders of the ways you appreciate yourself and your life.

In that post I talk about letting go of my need to be right.  As I become more aware , I realize how much that need is a misdirected attempt at self-protection.  It's based on the premise:  "If I'm right then I'm safe and my sense of myself is safe.  If I'm not right then my sense of self is threatened." My bodymind responds to this threat as if it is real.  But it isn't.

There are lots of situations that we interpret as threatening even though they actually have no ability to really harm us.  We go into a "fight or flight" response (or freeze or collapse/shut down) without recognizing that we're responding as if we're physically threatened.  What is really threatened is our sense of self.  If that can be allowed to be changeable, then we needn't be so afraid of the opinions of others.

Beyond your opinions, beliefs, knowledge, titles and possessions, who are you really?  Are you curious about the essence beyond the armor?  What is your authentic self?

Change happens. Move with the cheese!

This has been an intense year for me.  A year of change and growth. A year of new discoveries.  I’ve learned things about myself that I didn’t imagine I could know.  And most of all, I’ve learned that fear often prevents us from doing things that are actually not as difficult as the fear leads us to believe.

We live in a constant state of change.  Our thoughts, emotions, sensations, and motivations are constantly shifting. We imagine that we can keep things the same, but this is an illusion.  Change is a constant. We grow older with each minute, we get hungry, we are happy, we become sad.  This is the nature of life in a human body.   The idea that we should always be happy, or always content or always productive – all these are belief systems that are contrary to the ways things actually are.

The book Who Moved My Cheese (also available on audio) is a great story/parable by Dr. Spencer Johnson that talks about how we deal with change.  It’s worth a listen/read if you don’t know it.  One of the lessons from the story is:  “If you do not change, you can become extinct.”  Another great one is:  “The quicker you let go of the old cheese, the sooner you can enjoy the new cheese.”

So if we accept that change is a constant, we have some choices to make in terms of how we relate to change.  I’ve learned a lot from my kids on this subject.  Left to their own instincts, little kids view the world with curiosity and with awe.  Every change is fascinating.  I’ve watched young children when faced with a new experience first pause, or even startle – perhaps a quick move away.  Even when there is some fear or hesitation, almost immediately they also become curious and try to move closer to investigate. They haven’t yet learned to rush to judgment first – they are still fascinated by each new thing.

What if we adults could have that same childlike curiosity and wonder about our own changes.  In fact I think that’s what’s gotten me through this year with some measure of peace.  I’m learning to be curious about my life experiences rather than judgmental.  It’s not always simple or easy.  In fact sometimes it’s downright hard.  But even the difficult times can be observed as interesting – even fascinating.  And when you’re fascinated by what’s happening, change becomes a collaborative process – an adventure even, rather than something that’s imposed or unwelcome.  The question becomes not, “How can I stop this change from happening to me?” but “How can I be with this change so that I grow from the process?” 

In the process, a healthy dose of self-compassion and humor also helps! So “Savor the adventure and enjoy the taste of new cheese!”

Breathing to Live

Hope that you are well and enjoying this moment of Life!

I've been fascinated with the breath lately. It's pretty amazing that the thing we need most to survive (air) is abundant and free! We walk around in it!  Your breath can have a calming effect on your nervous system, and yet constrictive breathing patterns can be agitating to the mind. That's one of the reasons yoga is so focused on breath. Free your breath and you free your spirit!

Our bodies are such fascinating instruments, and so wonderfully interconnected. Amazing, really. Did you know that tension in your jaw can affect the health of your pelvis? And that chronic tension in your shoulders can be an indication of constrictive breathing habits?

I do breath awareness work in my Yoga for Pelvic Health classes and with many of my psychotherapy clients, simply because the breath influences so much about the body and mind. Read on below for more tips about breathing. And don't worry! If you're alive and reading this, then there's a good change your body is breathing well enough right now! And with compassionate curiosity you can develop awareness of how you could free your breath even more!

Quick Facts about Breath and Breathing 

I've become really fascinated by the breath and the mechanisms of breathing lately, and I'm especially interested in the ways that the breath affects our nervous systems, and therefore our state of anxiety or relaxation. Here are some facts that might surprise you, or might be enlightening!

• When you're relaxed your breath is usually slower & deeper, but not forced or strained
• When you're agitated or afraid, your breath is faster and usually higher in your chest
• Your breath should change depending on the context - if you're running, you need to be breathing faster and deeper than if you're sitting and reading this email
• More oxygen is not necessarily a good thing. You need a balance of oxygen to carbon dioxide in order for your body to function well (yes, you need carbon dioxide!) Too much oxygen can be as problematic as not enough, and breathing too hard or too fast all the time can alter your balance of oxygen to carbon dioxide actually causing anxiety & other problematic symptoms
• Your lungs span the area from just below your collar bones to your lower ribs (there are no lungs in your belly/abdomen).
• Think of breathing in through your nose and down into your lower ribs
• The belly moves out as a result of the downward movement of your diaphragm - a muscle that connects to your lower ribs & spine - when you inhale. Forcing the belly out isn't a good idea and doesn't help you breathe better.
• Your lower ribs should move when you breathe. When you're exerting yourself, your upper chest should also move to allow more space for your lungs to fill. Your shoulder muscles generally shouldn't be used for breathing
• Allowing ribs and belly to move when you breathe provides for a freer breath and a more balanced & content nervous system.
• Tucking your pelvis under (squeezing buttocks in) and holding your belly in wreaks havoc with your breathing and isn't good for your spine (or your pelvis). Whether sitting or standing, the pelvis should optimally be in a neutral position with a curve at your lower (lumbar) spine
• A "deep" breath doesn't mean forcing the breath into your belly or taking a big, loud breath. It's best for the breath to move quietly, freely & deeply into the body at a relatively relaxed rate - depending, of course, on what your body is doing. 
• The average number of breaths per minute is 15-20 for adults.

Any of this sound new or contrary to what you learned in yoga class? It's been an education for me to study the breath more deeply too & I've had to relearn some things! It's also been wonderful to observe how psychotherapy clients and yoga students have benefited from learning more about how their breath works.

Please feel free to leave a comment to this post and let me know what you think...

New possibilities for compassionate transformation

Happy New Year!

I love this time of year.  It feels so fresh with possibilities.  But that’s an illusion, though, right?  Every moment of every day is fresh with possibilities.  Yet maybe it’s the collective agreement about the specialness of the New Year that provides an extra wave of optimism that we can use to feed our own New Year resolutions.  I’ve also noticed a growing wave of cynicism this year.  There seems to be an expectation that no matter what your resolution is, it won’t take long for it to fade away.  Again, that may be a collective tendency, but why assume that will be the case for you? We don't have to be victims of the collective influence.

When we choose to do something different with ourselves, we almost always move away from a comfort zone and toward something we have to learn to be comfortable with.  New possibilities can trigger the fears that live below the surface of our minds. Years ago I was talking with my husband about an issue I had been struggling with for a long time.  “Why can’t I just let this go?” I wondered.  He offered (and I accepted!) the possibility that it was because I had held on to this way of thinking for so long and it had become a part of me.  He suggested that it was because I didn’t know who I would be without it that I chose to hold on.

Sometimes we hold on to the most uncomfortable aspects of ourselves because they are familiar.  We are afraid of who we might be without them – afraid of the unknown and unfamiliar.  Fear is a powerful motivator – you only have to look around at the political and economic climate to see evidence of that.  Fear sells a lot of products, garners a lot of votes and keeps the status quo in place. Even the prophecy around 2012 is feeding into that collective fear which affects us all and yet goes largely unacknowledged. Fear can also warn us of impending danger, or be an indicator that we're growing out of our comfort zone - it's all about how we choose to see it.

I believe that we each are integral parts of the collective that is humanity.  Goswami Kriyananda writes that we are each “microcosms of the macrocosm."  From this perspective, when one of us makes a change to our way of thinking or being in the world, it creates a ripple that affects the whole collective.   

So what if we were to create ripples or even waves of change this year by acknowledging and stepping out of the vortex of the collective fear of gloom & doom through the recognition of our individual fears?  I don’t mean “fighting” or “pushing through” or "ignoring" your fear. Just being willing to see it with compassion is itself a revolutionary act of courage.

Sometimes just seeing clearly is all it takes to recognize anticipation of the new versus an actual threat to well-being.  Imagine if, as a collective, humanity could recognize change as a marvelous potentiality versus impending doom & destruction.  In a comment to a post about Fear as Opportunity that I wrote in 2010, a reader named Christine offered a wonderful mantra she uses when faced with fear:  "I am willing to dance with you."  I think that just about sums it up.

So how do we cultivate this capacity to view ourselves compassionately?  I offer below a version of the Buddhist Metta meditation that has helped me to cultivate self-compassion.  It has helped me in the process of acknowledging, and in many cases moving beyond, the many fears that held me hostage for years.  

Have I overcome all my fears?  Heck no!  I don't even know if I will, and that's actually okay with me.  What I do know is that seeing a little more clearly and a little more compassionately helps me to be curious, rather than contemptuous about myself and this mysterious, fascinating, sometimes-seriously-hard-to-deal-with adventure we call Life. 

So here are the 4 phrases that I use for my Metta practice:

May I be filled with loving-kindness,

May I be peaceful and at ease,

May I be free from suffering and self-deception,

May I be healthy and happy, and free from fear.

The traditional phrases are:  May I be safe, May I be happy, May I be healthy, May I live with ease.  (I know, a lot less words!)  For more information on Metta, Sharon Salzberg, a well-known Buddhist teacher, talks about the traditional practice in which you also offer these phrases for others.  Personally, I like to do "drive-by Metta" silently for strangers I pass on the street, for the patients in passing ambulances and even for politicians & acerbic TV talk-show hosts!  It provides me a small way to transform a wave of apprehension, anxiety or fear into an act of possibility.

Namaste, and may 2012 bring you peace, curiosity, compassionate self-awareness and ease of well-being!!