I saw an ad for a course recently that promised “total happiness” as one of the course’s outcomes (along with “your best body and beyond” – and all in less than a month!). Isn't that how New Year's resolutions are made? Out of the pursuit of happiness?
I’ve realized in my years as a therapist that there
is an underlying message in our culture in general – or perhaps it’s best to
say in our society in general, because there really isn’t just one “American”
culture – that if we’re doing this human thing right, we should be happy. And apparently we should be happy all the
time no matter what happens. I’m curious about how this came to be, but the
main issue I have with this premise is that when people find themselves
unhappy, there is often a presumption of failure. If I’m supposed to be happy
(all the time) and I find that my life situation has caused sadness or despair
or frustration or anger then it must mean that I’m failing at this thing called
“being human.”
The reality is, that by virtue of landing in a human body
(however you believe that happened), you were set up for a life experience that
likely will include a wide range of emotions, of which happiness is only one.
Even the most optimistic of souls (and I live with one of those souls)
occasionally gets sad, disappointed, frustrated and even angry. Every human experiences
physical and emotional pain. It’s part of the package. It’s not a sign of
failure.
Now there is the definite possibility, especially if your
life involved overwhelming trauma, that your human system might actually no
longer remember how to recognize pleasure. If that’s the case then there is
some work to be done. Pleasure is part of our birthright. It’s part of the
package. For happiness to happen, in my opinion, the ability to experience
that which pleases us is required. And through the wonders of neuroplasticity, human
systems - even after years of deprivation - can learn to recognize pleasure.
So while happiness isn’t necessarily the goal, a complete
lack of happiness is also an indication of a system that’s lost its ability to
be resilient. (Not a failure, an indication of a need for more resiliency). Daniel Siegel describes “integration” as the healthiest human
state. Peter Levine discusses being in a state of flow. Either way, we are able
to have the capacity to experience the range of life’s experiences, to be
present for life and make some choices about how we want to respond, rather
than going into reactivity. (And really, even reactivity is part of the
package!) When we are in an integrated state of flow we are able to allow life to happen. We can be with
ourselves, and others, as we are - happy, sad, lonely, joyful, disappointed, angry. We don't have to get stuck in any one of these. Isn’t that a worthier pursuit than happiness?
